.jpg)
Is it true that you have already at the end of the road?
Ya its true. But it feels like a dream. Being more complicated because before we finally arrive at the end of the road, everything is sooooo damn alright. We talk on the phone for hours, and i still remember the atmosphere. Its comfort, its warm, its perfect.
What is actually happened?
It happened so fast. When everything happened perfectly, we arrived in a very sensitive topic. And there it is. Its the moment that ruin the atmosphere. I find out that we have a very different kind of perspective, and its so irrelevant. We, both of us, admit that we are an open minded person. But the way we own that open minded thing, its not in a same line. I see us standing in a different line. And it couldnt be helped. Its too far. And its the moment that i feel not confident enough for this relationship anymore. I think, we dont understand each other yet. He couldnt understand what might hurt me. And its also happened to me sometimes. We used to hurt each other with no purpose, and we used to say that everything is alright and under control, forget the problem, no solution. AND ITS NOT GOOD AT ALL. Its like we fake all the things, we pretend, we wish everything keep balance, we say its fine, but we both know there is something wrong actually happened. Or is it just me who feel it? I have no idea.
Do you feel sorry that you have to end up like this?
Of course i do. When i wake up in the morning, open my eyes and realize that he doesn't belong to me anymore, the pain starts to consume me. And it hurts like hell.
Its been three weeks. I am the one who decide to end that relationship. But in case you are courious, i still dont know whether my decision is right or wrong. "We have become a stranger". Its the only one thing that i could understand.
How if, in the magical way, you have a power to turn back time, do you still dare enough to see him deeply in his eyes?
I know many people who breakup and end up to hate their ex. I dont wanna be like that. Because i believe that everything happened for a reason. When we still together, i feel its a gift to have him as one of my favourite person in life. He was amazing. He was the best. And he doesnt deserve hate after the breakup.
I dont want to forget him. I will always remember the way he saw me. But at least, i just want to erase this pain for a while. Because for God sake, i cant breath.
And if suddenly i have a power to turn back time, i promise that i will be dare enough to see him deeply in his eyes. Oh no i miss that eyes.
How do you want people to see you?
This is shame enough to tell, that even me, I still confuse about what i actually want in a relationship. I mean, what am I searching for? Because if I mention about sincerity, loyalty, love, kindness, comfort, and the other great things like that, its true, i want it. But is it the end? Nah, its only the basic. How about the rest?
Thats the point.
And about the question, how do i want people to see me? I want people to know that i am alright. While inside, i have a billion different feelings that drive me insane.
Do you still communicate with him?
Unfortunately no, we dont.
The first sunday after the breakup, he send me message about "darling, happy sunday" with an emoticon rose. That message, i received it before the mass. Because i am in church at that moment, so i didnt reply as soon as the message come. After the mass, i open my phone and found out that he has block me. My God, its rippin my heart so badly. Its the moment i realize, that i have TOTALLY lost him.
Is there anything you want to ask him?
I have soooooo many.
First of all, i wanna ask about whats in his mind. I try to imagine how he is doing there. Is that everything alright? You good? How about the work? Is it everything under control? Do you eat well? Do you have enough sleeping time? I hope you doing well.
Have your family and friends know about us? Have you tell them that we no longer together? If so, how could you tell them?
You block me right? But a few last days, i saw your activities on my feed. So you already open the blocking? What is your reason in blocking me? And what is your reason open that block?
The last thing, tell him one thing from the deepest of your heart!
My darling, you were good to me. We have try this twice. And now we also lost each other twice. My darling, when we try the second chance, your arrival is like a sunshine in my life. You bring joy. You bring warm. And loving you was a gift.
You are so brave. You are authentic. But darling, i am sorry, its not supposed to be like that. You cant handle your egoism. Your perspective, you think its the most valuable thought, and you block me for taking part to brighten it up.
My darling, your authenticity has hurt me. You put it as the most important thing than my feeling. You are too brave to say everything that you consider as the right thing, you think its good to put the authenticity at the very front place, and you dont care whether if it hurts my feeling or not. You dont care about my existence. And its all. Thats the point which bring us to the end of the road.
My darling, i cant reach you, and i am scared.
