I don't hate you
No, I couldn't if I wanted to
I just hate all the hurt that you put me through

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I hate you for taking the piece of my heart, and then you broke it until you run away without trying to fix it. Im done with this. Maybe what selena said is right, that i have to hate you to love me.

That even in my dream, i always feel guilty for something that i never did. Days in a row, you came to my dream to torture me. Am i deserve it? Do you even feel guilty?

I hate you.

From the deepest of my heart, i hate you.

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Haiii, semuanya tak seburuk yang kau kira kok. Coba ingat lagi hari ini, banyak pekikian tawa yang kau sodorkan pada sela-sela aktivitasmu. Beruntung kau diapit oleh orang-orang yang hebat. Mereka serius, serius dengan sesekali bercanda, sesekali bertanya, sesekali kepo, sesekali berbagi cerita. Mereka seru. Tak setegang orang lain di sana. Aku tau kamu tak suka suasananya. Tapi perubahan itu hampir meredamkan ketakutanmu kan? Aku tau, aku tau kau sudah mulai terbiasa. Teruskan ya, kau sudah melakukannya dengan baik. Aku bangga.

#eluseluskepala

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Bad dreams go away!

Pagi-pagi sewaktu prepare mau ke kantor, aku tuh biasanya play on  podcast nya oprah winfrey. Menurutku, i need a help. Dan oprah adalah salah satu motivator hebat yang aku harapkan bisa membuat pikiranku jadi lebih enteng. Tapi tau gak? Gak ada perubahan.

My doctor said that i have to make all the bad things disappear. Dia bilang aku harus positive thingking. Aku dengar semua yang dia bilang, aku ngerti, tapi pada waktu itu semuanya hanya terasa kyk masuk kuping kiri keluar kuping kanan.

Waktu aku tanya si dokter, "Dokter, apa menghindar dari orang yang kita tidak suka adalah hal yang wajar? Harusnya semua orang ngerasain itu juga gak sih? Bukan cuma aku doang kan?"

Dokter bilang, wajar saja sebenarnya. Tapi itu tuh gak bisa dilakukan terus-menerus. Because at least, kamu harus belajar bagaimana menyelesaikan masalah, bukan menghindar.

Nah kesimpulannya, kalau kamu emang ngerasa butuh bantuan, satu-satunya orang yang bisa bantu kamu buat memperbaiki dirimu sendiri, ya cuma kamu. Bukan oprah winfrey, bukan dokter, bukan siapa pun itu yang kamu pikir bakal selalu ada di sana buat kamu.

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The End of The Road

Is it true that you have already at the end of the road?

Ya its true. But it feels like a dream. Being more complicated because before we finally arrive at the end of the road, everything is sooooo damn alright. We talk on the phone for hours, and i still remember the atmosphere. Its comfort, its warm, its perfect. 

What is actually happened?

It happened so fast. When everything happened perfectly, we arrived in a very sensitive topic. And there it is. Its the moment that ruin the atmosphere. I find out that we have a very different kind of perspective, and its so irrelevant. We, both of us, admit that we are an open minded person. But the way we own that open minded thing, its not in a same line. I see us standing in a different line. And it couldnt be helped. Its too far. And its the moment that i feel not confident enough for this relationship anymore. I think, we dont understand each other yet. He couldnt understand what might hurt me. And its also happened to me sometimes. We used to hurt each other with no purpose, and we used to say that everything is alright and under control, forget the problem, no solution. AND ITS NOT GOOD AT ALL. Its like we fake all the things, we pretend, we wish everything keep balance, we say its fine, but we both know there is something wrong actually happened. Or is it just me who feel it? I have no idea.

Do you feel sorry that you have to end up like this?

Of course i do. When i wake up in the morning, open my eyes and realize that he doesn't belong to me anymore, the pain starts to consume me. And it hurts like hell.

Its been three weeks. I am the one who decide to end that relationship. But in case you are courious, i still dont know whether my decision is right or wrong. "We have become a stranger". Its the only one thing that i could understand.

How if, in the magical way, you have a power to turn back time, do you still dare enough to see him deeply in his eyes?

I know many people who breakup and end up to hate their ex. I dont wanna be like that. Because i believe that everything happened for a reason. When we still together, i feel its a gift to have him as one of my favourite person in life. He was amazing. He was the best. And he doesnt deserve hate after the breakup. 

I dont want to forget him. I will always remember the way he saw me. But at least, i just want to erase this pain for a while. Because for God sake, i cant breath.

And if suddenly i have a power to turn back time, i promise that i will be dare enough to see him deeply in his eyes. Oh no i miss that eyes.

How do you want people to see you?

This is shame enough to tell, that even me, I still confuse about what i actually want in a relationship. I mean, what am I searching for? Because if I mention about sincerity, loyalty, love, kindness, comfort, and the other great things like that, its true, i want it. But is it the end? Nah, its only the basic. How about the rest? 

Thats the point. 

And about the question, how do i want people to see me? I want people to know that i am alright. While inside, i have a billion different feelings that drive me insane. 

Do you still communicate with him?

Unfortunately no, we dont. 

The first sunday after the breakup, he send me message about "darling, happy sunday" with an emoticon rose. That message, i received it before the mass. Because i am in church at that moment, so i didnt reply as soon as the message come. After the mass, i open my phone and found out that he has block me. My God, its rippin my heart so badly. Its the moment i realize, that i have TOTALLY lost him. 

Is there anything you want to ask him?

I have soooooo many. 

First of all, i wanna ask about whats in his mind. I try to imagine how he is doing there. Is that everything alright? You good? How about the work? Is it everything under control? Do you eat well? Do you have enough sleeping time? I hope you doing well. 

Have your family and friends know about us? Have you tell them that we no longer together? If so, how could you tell them? 

You block me right? But a few last days, i saw your activities on my feed. So you already open the blocking? What is your reason in blocking me? And what is your reason open that block?

The last thing, tell him one thing from the deepest of your heart!

My darling, you were good to me. We have try this twice. And now we also lost each other twice. My darling, when we try the second chance, your arrival is like a sunshine in my life. You bring joy. You bring warm. And loving you was a gift.

You are so brave. You are authentic. But darling, i am sorry, its not supposed to be like that. You cant handle your egoism. Your perspective, you think its the most valuable thought, and you block me for taking part to brighten it up.

My darling, your authenticity has hurt me. You put it as the most important thing than my feeling. You are too brave to say everything that you consider as the right thing, you think its good to put the authenticity at the very front place, and you dont care whether if it hurts my feeling or not. You dont care about my existence. And its all. Thats the point which bring us to the end of the road. 

My darling, i cant reach you, and i am scared.

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Disconnected

Disconnected is a video that I made to reference a causal relationship. It has two things which become the main issue of this. The first thing is called "the cause". And the second is called "the effect".

If the cause is "irrelevant perspective", then the effect would be a "disconnected relationship".

They are not in the same line anymore. Or actually, it's probably never in the same line.

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Ripped Heart

Coba lihat aku jauh ke dalam mata. Kau akan bisa melihat betapa banyak rasa khawatir di dalam sana. Jangan tanya, aku tak akan bisa jelaskan. 

Aku tak pernah takut pada suara petir yang menyambar. Aku tak pernah gentar, bahkan dapat bernafas dengan baik ketika listrik padam di seluruh Jakarta. Tapi memikirkan kita justru begitu menguras seluruh energi ku. 

Aku tak suka ini. Aku benci situasi begini.

Kataku semuanya baik-baik saja. Tapi sejak aku mengucapkannya hingga sampai sekarang ini, aku masih berusaha mencari cara, bagaimana memikirkanmu tanpa harus merobek hatiku. Entah pun harus sampai kapan.

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SUCH A HERO

Wishing you could fix everyone's problem, but at the same time, you realize, there is nobody could touch your problem, because you think they would never understand.

SUCH A HERO!

EVERYONE'S HERO!

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Stranger

You meet a stranger.
You can say that she is the kind of nice person.
She doesn't talk too much, maybe because you are so dominant?

This sounds to be so familiar.
You said that you wanna know her futher, but in the same time you take a lead at all over the conversation.
Then how could she has her time?

She can't reach you.
And is it her fault?
Is it her fault that she can't talk to you?

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Mata Mata

Kata orang mimpi itu adalah cerminan

Apa yang kau lihat saat tidurmu pertanda apa yang kau rasakan

Atau apa yang orang lain inginkan

Di kehidupanku, aku tak bisa membaca pikiranmu

Tapi ada mata mata ku

Karna setiap malam aku mendapatimu

Dalam mimpiku

Sering kali

Acap kali

Tidak hanya sekali

Tapi setiap hari

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